Question: Am I an alcoholic or do I just like to drink?
Answer: I commend you for your bravery to even ask this question. Many alcoholics won’t recognize they have a problem much less ask someone for their opinion. I guess that’s why interventions are so popular. People gather and give you their opinions whether you want them or not. I never did agree with interventions. But I digress.
You need to ask yourself a few questions when you want to know for sure if you’re addicted, or just a dick, when it comes to alcohol. Here are some to consider:
Does the thought of drinking dominate my mind? If you answered yes, it doesn’t mean you are an alcoholic. Though it probably means you have some form of OCD. Didn’t mean to add more to your plate. In my defense, you did ask.
Do I usually drink alone? Answering yes to this question doesn’t mean much. I usually drink alone because I prefer vodka to people. It doesn’t mean I have a problem with vodka. It means I have a problem with people.
Am I nasty when I can’t have alcohol? Remember that it’s possible you’re just a dick.
When I drink, do I always have to get drunk? This is actually the largest indicator. If you answered yes, then you probably need help. You are not supposed to get drunk each time your drink.
Kidding aside, if you think you have a problem, please seek professional help. Alcohol is a serious drug and being addicted to it can be deadly. You are loved and needed. Never forget that.
Question: Should I have children earlier or later in life?
Answer: I would suggest you have kids earlier in life for many different reasons. Here are just a few:
You will have more energy to keep up with your hell spawn while you’re still young.
Everyone knows they have little petri dishes for hands and they just love touching you with them. A younger immune system can fight that shit better than an older one can.
Knowing that you will still be young enough to enjoy a life after your children are grown will leave you less likely to consider suicide each day.
Let’s face it, if you’ve made it to your early 30’s without children, isn’t life just better? You have more money, more free time, more peace and most of all you still have your sanity. This last thing will eventually leave you as you age. Not having kids won’t change that.
So, if you don’t have children yet, think real hard before having them because you can’t take them back. Well, I guess, technically you can go to a fire station and drop them off but who’s motivated enough for that?